June 21, 2018

2 Things You Can Do When Your Needs Change in a Relationship

Each day Rose woke up with a heavy heart. Her worries had not faded since that fateful day in July. She had no idea life was about to take a turn. This time it would forever change her.

Michael had been the love of her life. They married after college. Unsure they wanted children they jumped hard into pursuits for success in their professions. Demanding schedules had both juggling around each other to find the smallest pockets of time together. It was early in the marriage and career. They promised to enjoy being newlyweds. One night over a quiet dinner at home conversation led to a decision to put off having a family indefinitely. Instead focusing on the fulfilling their dreams of travel and success in their careers. She was confused by this decision. It felt like he was imposing what he thought would be best for them. She let it go for another time. It wasn’t something she had to worry about today.

The first summer of her residency at Columbia Medical offered a dramatically stressful schedule which led to her to make a miscalculation. It was July, she just noticed her lateness on the calendar. Inevitably, she needed to confirm her suspicions. She was always on time each month. Recently, she’d been questioning whether they had done the right thing in agreeing not to have a family. She felt slightly railroaded into this notion. Everyone around them was building a family and enjoying new beginnings. While their careers were just starting out, she wondered if this was a sign – maybe she could persuade Michael to revisit the idea of a baby? Michael seemed bit adamant about not having children. It was disconcerting to find out she was pregnant. Should she tell him? Will he be upset – will he want the baby? Would this change things? Her world was spinning as she debated what to do next.

Relationships evolve over time. People change and so do their needs.

What 2 Things Can You Do When Your Needs Change in a Relationship?

1. Communicating What You Need to Your Partner is Key: When you’re in a partnership whether marriage, live-in partners or committed relationship you must be able to clearly express what you want to accomplish together. Desires should align so you are working towards similar relationship goals. Some people will plow ahead with big decisions on their own disregarding their partner’s feelings. This is a sure fire way to light a match to a relationship from the inside out. Decisions should be made in mutual accordance. Will it always work out? No, sometimes we spend years with someone and realize our needs have changed. It’s never easy, it is challenging and difficult. Love isn’t perfect but certainly worth the effort. Tell your significant other how you feel at the right time, place and with a tone of love.

2. Stay Aware – Know What Your Needs Are: Falling in love is amazing. When you are in a relationship with that one person that makes your head spin you’re willing to give everything away. You’ll give up your heart, house, money and power to make this person happy. What we must constantly remind ourselves of, is that we’re extremely important to the relationship. If you are not genuinely happy then how can you make someone else happy. It is a simple formula. The issues come when you stop balancing the needs of the two people in the relationship.

Michael and Rose had a beautiful boy several months after the revelation. They vowed to be stronger together than apart. Although, there was talk of delaying or not having children, love was giving way to new life. Further conversations brought them to a new reality. They were devoted to each other and committed to their life together. Each of them was second guessing the decision but didn’t want to tell the other. Luckily, this dialogue had an outcome that brought joy on both sides. I like to think the probability of the coin toss will fall in our favor more often than not. It’s worth putting ourselves out there to make our desires known to our loved one. We might find a surprise or two.

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