She Wants Marriage, He Doesn’t! Now What?

It’s no secret – relationships aren’t easy. Love’s playground can sometimes deliver rough terrain. Ensuing an obstacle course that includes a match of tug of war. Couples must be willing to do the work to reach a reasonable halfway point. Aligning both partners needs, wants and goals is a huge factor in keeping mates together. Love conquers many things but can be distressed by wear and tear from disappointment or dissatisfaction on either side. The topic of getting married can be a sour patch for many, a neverending tale of who wants it vs. who doesn’t.

Plenty of us dream of the special day. Dressing up in a gown of choice with a veil and all the trimmings of the traditional celebration. Although, not every woman wants to be a bride. There are plenty that share the excitement and not just of the actual event. The storybook begins with a proposal.  As we know, a lot can happen leading up to the moment when he pops the question. If he asks you at all. So, what do you do when you’re ready to take that step and he isn’t?

My first marriage was short-lived. Divorce came knocking soon after the nuptials. We were both in our mid 20’s when the concept of love was still foggy in our minds. Romanticizing the emotion is a map to fool’s gold. A lesson learned much later in love’s journey. It takes more than these powerful feelings to make it work.

We moved in together within a couple of years of dating. I’d like to say that we both decided to take the plunge. Though, do recall my strong wish to get hitched. I was in love with the idea of a wedding. Having my moment in the spotlight was a fantasy waiting to be fulfilled. The planning of the event was done mostly with my best friend which should have been a red flag. As if it wasn’t enough when he said, “We don’t need a big wedding to prove to others we love and are committed to one another.” Warning signs everywhere, I know!

Laser focused, I was a girl on a mission. Walking down the aisle as a blushing bride was the prize. I give him credit for showing up on the day of and smiling for the cameras. His love for me and desire to make me happy was bigger than anything.

Reality today looks different. Having the ability to look at things objectively now, is an advantage. When thinking about it all, is it possible that he didn’t want the wedding as much as me? Highly likely.

I’ve learned not to live life in regret. The experience served a purpose. Although, the actual marriage lasted less than a year, it gave me clarity at the end. The readiness to do what it takes to keep a partnership going wasn’t there, yet. The level of maturity and commitment required to build a relationship that will stand the test of time was missing. Honestly speaking, those qualities were not present and I ignored it. I wanted to have a wedding no matter the cost. It was unfair to put pressure on my partner to take part in such an important moment without genuinely wanting the same. You should have equal desire to unite your lives.

If you dream about your own special day. Make sure it’s good for both of you. Don’t let the wedding get bigger than you or him. There is so much more joy doing it for the right reasons. Remember, once the party is over  – real life stays with you.

If he isn’t ready and he tells you, believe him. Coercing or laying a guilt trip to get him to marry you is a costly mistake. In time, resentment even anger will overhaul the relationship, creating an ugly picture. Snarky remarks showed its head now and then during our arguments. We didn’t last long enough to see the full-blown consequences which was a blessing in disguise.

Getting married is about making a decision together to share a life. A commitment that binds your lives emotionally, financially and physically. Long after the dance has finished, you two will be the only ones standing. Be sure it’s with someone that is willing to stand alone with you – and you with him come what may.

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