I’m not the first or last woman who has been trapped in a relationship that has zero chance of long-term survival. Why do we force situations? Are we naive to think we can change a man? Putting ourselves in harm’s way knowing in our heart of hearts that the outcome will only cause heartbreak. Is it really worth it in the end? Not.
Dating someone for years who broke every possible relationship rule. I should have expected what would happen but the wool over my eyes didn’t allow me to see clearly. It could be that I refuse to see it because it would reflect negatively on me. My belief I could change someone wasn’t only ingenious it was also unfair. There are a few things to remember as women entering or already in relationships. The first is to trust your judgment. Not the superficial thoughts that come to mind allowing you to be misled by attractiveness, intoxicating sexual chemistry, or other false pretenses of any kind. Confide in your gut instinct, the nagging feeling that tells you when something doesn’t feel right. Lastly, have a clear list of your dealbreakers. It helps you honor the contract you have with yourself. The one that gives you the right to walk away from toxicity or a bad relationship if it drains you of personal well-being.
A dealbreaker list should have the following as permanent commandments.
- Someone who is abusive in any way. Whether it’s psychological, emotional, verbal, or physical. It is never okay to lash out at you in anger, resentment, or retribution. A person with alcohol or drug issues isn’t capable of taking care of their own needs. Don’t assume that they will be able to provide you with the attention, care, and support required as a partner. Don’t risk placing yourself in a precarious situation.
- Someone who can’t be trusted is not deserving of you. A person caught lying or cheating whether emotional or full affair casts doubts as to what extent they’re genuine. Trust is earned but if your partner’s actions show him or her to be grossly deceitful then it’s time to check yourself out of there.
- Someone already in a committed relationship is emotionally unavailable to you. Don’t be fooled into thinking they can offer a healthy, stable relationship while maintaining another relationship on the side. You can’t be at two places at one time. You merit so much more – everything you need. Believe that you are worth it. Don’t accept less than you deserve.
We throw around jokes about women’s checklists. Some of them are quite detailed. Compromises are needed in relationships because there is always give and take. Your list of dealbreakers protects you from making choices that won’t benefit you in any way. Stick to them. Believe they are in your best interest. The right person will see you for who you are making it easy to give you those things that you can’t do without.
Everyone has their own set of dealbreakers in dating, marriage, or committed relationships. Make sure your list matches your values and needs. They don’t have to look like anyone else’s. These are a few basic ones that all of us can start with.
Do you know what your dealbreakers are?
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