My mother says, “The only thing in life that has no solution is death.” I often referred back to those words when my marriage died. The inside voice telling me “Hey! you’re still alive!” My heart was broken when faced with the reality of a breakup. Being very much in love, believing I’d grow old with my husband gave me comfort. It allowed a certain level of security. The type of safety you get from coming home to the same person each day. Having the warmth of your security blanket to wrap yourself in every night. Knowing there’s someone to witness your life from up close as it unfolds.
Can you imagine how devastating it was to admit it was over? Have you ever felt your heart crushed? The hard pangs of physical pain. Anguish felt from a dream imploding.
We’ve all been hurt by an inevitable end. Sometimes you see it coming. Other times it can hit you like a ton of bricks shattering your illusions into pieces.
The win for me was in the transformation that came afterwards. I evolved from a girl to an empowered woman. The end of the marriage, as painful as it was gave me one of the most valuable lessons in life.
Few days ago, I shared part of my story with a friend who asked about the subject of my book. When I briefly described the painful experience, he compared my strength to one of a tree. His comment raised an eyebrow, so he explained. A tree, even the most hollow stands tall. Seasons change, nature gives them a beating and time converts the sapling into an older tree. Maturity shows in the number of its rings but through time it does not falter. I’ve been able to remain upright despite life’s blows from disappointment and so-called failures.
The end of a relationship is sad, hurtful, emotionally debilitating. The mental and physical breakdown you may experience will borderline devastate you – if you let it. In my experience to effectively manage the end to a relationship you must:
1. Give yourself permission to feel anything you need to until getting passed the pain. Going through the cycle of emotions like denial, anger, sadness does bring you to acceptance. Some stages will last longer but don’t get stuck. You want to arrive at a place where you see the horizon. Better things are ahead even if you don’t see it, now.
2. Evaluate the reasons why the relationship ended. There is a why – you’re no longer with this person. It could be anything from incompatibility to having different goals or levels of readiness. If this person is broken, you must allow them to fix themselves. Don’t think you are the one who will make him or her a better person. Love isn’t always enough, unfortunately. It takes two people to make a relationship work. You shouldn’t have to settle as a way of keeping a relationship. Be truthful with yourself about what isn’t working. If it’s not what you deserve, don’t be afraid to let go. You will be making space for a greater love.
3. Remind yourself that You Are Alive! Hearts are broken, we cry and emotions run high. Losing a love can tear you up inside. Make you feel vulnerability like never before. The thing you must not forget, as long as you have breath there is a chance for a do-over.
It’s not easy to get passed ending a relationship or for it to end on you. You will need to fully commit to improving yourself. Practice gratefulness at every turn because there is a world out there still to see. Healing happens after the heartache.
It happened for me.
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