Empowerment Series: Hollywood Celebrity Matchmaker, Dating Expert, Co-Founder of Matchmakers in the City, and Love Life Changing on Access Hollywood, MTV, CBS and Forbes, Alessandra Conti Shares Dating Tips with AW
Dating can be fun or exhausting, sometimes both. I was in a relationship for almost a decade. Returning to the world of dating after being with the same man for such a long time was a shock to my system. I have a plethora of stories about dates gone wrong. Finding the right match has its own set of struggles, needless to say, is challenging! I have come to believe there is a bit of an art to it. So, how do we find him or her? Or at the very least, increase our chances of finding “The One?”
I explored this topic and more with Hollywood Celebrity Matchmaker, Alessandra Conti. She is a dating expert based in Beverly Hills, a place known for having a community filled with demanding people.
On a Friday afternoon after a long day, Alessandra offered her time, and graciously, educated me on all things dating. We sat down over a Zoom meeting to talk about expectations, love on social media, and the mistakes we sometimes make as a dater. She even gave some helpful tips that can help us date, successfully.
You are a celebrity matchmaker in Beverly Hills. Your clientele probably comes with high expectations. Getting everything we want in one person. Is it really possible or are we asking for too much? It is so challenging because I think society and Hollywood have sold a lie that we can have this perfect person. We believe we should wait for him or her, and not settle unless they are perfect. Something that I have learned from my 10 years of matchmaking is that you need to find your perfectly, imperfect person. There are elements of compatibility, you should pay attention to, dealbreakers. Are you on the same page about marriage, having kids, and religion? Even if there is a match made in heaven, if these don’t align, it likely won’t work.
I never had a checklist. In fact, I only began my list of dealbreakers, after a second divorce. I did not learn to date successfully, until late adulthood. I think people would call me a late bloomer! Can you share your best tips for dating successfully? If possible, tips that men and women can use to improve their chances of finding a love match?
Tip 1: Having those three dealbreakers will save time and heartbreak.
Tip 2: Diversify the way you meet a partner. If you are in a position to hire a matchmaker, 100% go for it! If someone is single, doing it on their own and seeing the same patterns or you aren’t having any luck then hire a matchmaking company or ask about being added to a database.
We are constantly complaining about bad relationships “There are no good men out there!” Is it that we just don’t know how to date? What are we doing wrong? After doing this for 10 years, I think “there are so many incredible men out there.” Many men are using dating apps and could be great at dating but not necessarily, be good at relationships. The guy that knows what to say and do, the love bomber, charismatic one, and great dater will not always have the skillset to connect in a relationship. Women are programmed to feel like there has to be fireworks on a first date. It is better to allow a relationship to grow and have that steady flame, as opposed to fireworks that can die out, quickly.
Remember, the number one thing that makes the difference between an amazing life partner vs one that will not make a good life partner is “consistency” in communication and planning.
Are there any rules you have for dating? 10 years ago, I started Matchmakers in the City with my sister. We are a boutique firm, and since we began, we have added seven matchmakers. When we started the business, we implemented guidelines for all our clients which have had much success.
Don’t have sex with a guy until you are in an exclusive relationship (at a minimum). Women release oxytocin when they have sex with men. We then bonded hormonally, whether, he is a great guy or not. Biologically, women attach to men after releasing an influx of this hormone. It happens, even if you don’t experience climax, the oxytocin is released when you are physical. Cuddling, and hugging also cause a spike when you become intimate with the person. So, our rule has nothing to do with the guy thinking you are easy or we are trying to shame women – absolutely, not the case. We feel that men have to prove themselves.
The dating scene was complicated by a pandemic. Finding the right match became a little harder due to the conditions. How did this time change the business of matchmaking and the way you match people? Yes, CoVid changed everything but it was the great equalizer. We had an equal amount of men and women looking for partners, which is why we hired more matchmakers! People were over, dating a lot of people (still plenty of men doing it), although more prevalent pre-CoVid. We want to develop a more authentic connection, especially after the world shut down. We realized that we want a lasting partner.
The challenge on the dating apps is that there are more profiles than normal, some inactive or in relationships. An in-person connection means so much, more. Considerations when looking for a partner, now include, political, beliefs on CoVId and how two people have looked at the ordeal we’ve been through.
Prior, not everyone was open to long-distance, “geographically undesirable, ” especially, with travel, as it became more intense. I have seen these relationships work, beautifully. I matched two people living long distances. They travel together and having that time as a couple, helps to learn so much about your partner.
We look to social media for setting expectations. Sometimes, it feels like we are creating an unrealistic bar to measure up to while trying to find “our person.” What are your thoughts on this and how do you manage your client’s expectations? 100% – there are two things that happen with social media. No one looks like they look on social media. “Filters!” We all use them. The other thing is that we are watching the highlight reels of relationships. People are watching the perfect boyfriend, family, husband, and kids, then you look at their lives and everything looks wrong.
You have to be careful with what you consume on social media. No one is perfect and every relationship has issues. Do not ignore the red flags, and be self-aware of attachment styles because relationships are not easy. Trust and verify, it’s okay to explore but don’t get too caught in the wades.
We like to end all interviews with a positive message or takeaway to help inspire readers. What advice would you give anyone entering or contemplating the dating game? One word is “Flirt” Be playful have fun! If you are single, be playful. Be a flirt everywhere, be open anywhere you go! The energy you bring with you is the one, you’re going to get back. When you first start dating, enjoy it! Go into it with the intention of having fun. Vacation mode dating is great, pretend you are out for the night, go where you want to go, and tell yourself “I am going to have a good night. Own, whatever flirting is for you.
Date with intention and remember the importance of separating want from desire. Think of that vision and goal you want to experience with this person.
I can’t say enough good things about Alessandra. AW is grateful for the opportunity to get a dating expert that would offer encouraging insight on the topic.
In a world of billions, it can feel impossible to find “your person.” If you are actively dating, remain encouraged. As you continue the search for your match, it may be good to remember that others out there are doing the same. If you think about that, maybe it can eliminate some of the pressure and just enjoy the ride on this mental note. Perhaps, if we allow ourselves to have fun during the process, we can make the time, less painful.
This interview has been condensed for clarity.*
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